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Redneck Bugle
Classified Ads:
Actual newspaper classified
ads:
FREE: Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful
little dog bites.
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 neighbor's sneaky dog.
FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepard, part stupid dog.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Male. Neutered. Speaks German. Free to good
home.
FOUND: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Real dirty. Been outside
awhile. Better be
a reward.
SNOW BLOWER for sale. Only used on snowy days.
LIVESTOCK FOR SALE: Cows and calves, never bred. Also one gay bull for
sale.
FOR SALE: Nordic Track $300. Like new, hardly used, call Chubby.
PRODUCE FOR SALE: Georgia peaches. Great taste! California grown. 89
cents/lb.
FOR SALE: Nice parachute. Excellent condition. Never opened. Used only
once.
Joining nudist colony! Must sell Maytag washer and dryer. $300.
OPEN HOUSE: Body Shapers Toning Salon this Saturday from 9 a.m. to 5
p.m. Tryout our
new equipment and look over our personal exercise plans! Free coffee and
donuts.
FOR SALE: One man/six woman hot tub.
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica No longer
needed. Got
married last month. Wife knows everything.
The turkey must have really
done it
A young man named John received a
parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently
saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot
yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even
ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put
him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for
my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I
can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his
behavior, when the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Bad job? Here's how to
get relief
When you have an "I Hate My Job"
day, try this. On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go
to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by
Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home,
lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will
not be disturbed. Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your
favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer. Now,
carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will
not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins: Take out the literature and read it
carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement,
"Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally
tested".
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad
I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."
Remember, there is always someone else with a job that is worse than
yours!
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